


love me numb

by dreamtiwasanarchitect



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bickering, Established Relationship, HIV/AIDS Crisis, M/M, Masochism, Pre-Canon, Rough Sex, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:29:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27393523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamtiwasanarchitect/pseuds/dreamtiwasanarchitect
Summary: Nicky felt monstrous. “Hurt me.”Joe’s eyes glinted and he shook his head. “We promised each other. After the last time I killed you on the Temple Mount, and you woke again—we said we were done harming each other. Or haveyouforgotten?”
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 14
Kudos: 182





	love me numb

Nicky’s medical degree was as current as it had ever been, but it was no use. Medicine itself had not caught up to this devastating new plague.

He watched men and women suffer and die alone, forsaken by their families. Others he saw wither while their tearful partner sat at their side. It seemed so cruel that he and Yusuf had been blessed with hundreds of lifetimes together, and these couples did not even get one.

Yet—shamefully selfish as it was—Nicky would not give up what he’d been given, not even if it meant a better fate for another pair of lovers. 

After a thirty-hour shift, he stumbled home to the tiny apartment he and Joe were renting. 

Nicky stripped off everything but his underwear and crawled in to bed. Without opening his eyes, Joe rolled over and pulled him to his chest. 

———

Nicky woke to an empty bed. The bedside clock read five after ten. He’d slept for nearly eight hours but still felt bone-weary.

The coffeemaker was on, keeping the half-full pot warm. There was a little sticky note taped to the handle: _Good morning, my love._ Nicky peeled it off and re-stuck it to the counter. He smoothed it down and tried not to feel annoyed at the note’s lack of details—like where Joe had gone, or when he would return.

He sat on their tiny sofa and drank his coffee. The bitterness matched his mood. That he wasn’t due back at the hospital for another two days was little consolation; it was just more time he could spend marinating in his dread. 

Nicky’s stomach growled, but he felt too lethargic to move from the couch. He couldn’t focus enough to read. He stared at the painting of himself hanging on the wall and tried to remember all the names of the patients who’d died in the last six months. He could only recall those from the last week.

It was half-past noon when he heard the lock turn. He stayed curled on his side, listening to the sounds of Joe kicking off his shoes, setting down his keys.

Joe’s hand was on his shoulder, his neck, his cheek. “Hi,” he said. “I missed you.” Joe leaned down to kiss him, and Nicky rolled on to his back to dodge it. 

“Where were you?”

Joe’s brow furrowed at his tone. “There was an ACT UP meeting, I told you before you left for your shift—”

“You cannot expect me to remember these things, Joe.”

“I didn’t expect anything,” Joe said, looking confused.

Nicky turned his face away to stare at the couch back. “You might have mentioned it, in your note.”

Joe’s guided Nicky’s face back to him. He was grinning. “So, you missed me too?”

Nicky kissed him.

———

Unfortunately, his black mood would not be banished so easily. It started when he asked Joe, “What would you like for lunch?”

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

“I asked _you_.” 

“Whatever is fine with me.” 

“Just pick, Joe!” 

“We could go to Orange Garden?” 

Nicky grunted.

“What?”

“We went there last week, is all.”

“Fine, what do you suggest?”

They shared an irritable meal of sandwiches and leftover pasta. 

———

Joe was doing the crossword and watching _Oprah_. Nicky sat next to him, pretending to read but still stewing over their lunch dispute.

Joe glanced over at him. “Since you have tomorrow off as well, is there anything you want to do today? I was reading about the Morton Arboretum—”

“I don’t want to go to the fucking arboretum,” he snapped.

Joe stared at him.

Nicky felt ashamed beyond words, and all the more angry for this added guilt. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.”

“I—it was a long shift,” he managed. “But I should never speak to you that way.” He took Joe’s hand in both of his and kissed the back of each knuckle. “I am so sorry, Joe.” 

Nicky peered at him over their joined hands. “Please forgive me.”

Joe sighed. “Always, my heart.” 

———

In their bed, Nicky flipped from his hands and knees to his back. He pushed Joe off to straddle him, then rolled to lay on his side. 

He brought Joe’s hand to his cock, then batted it away seconds later. He shifted when Joe tried to kiss his mouth, and finally the thread of Joe’s patience snapped. 

He up leaned on a forearm, exasperation clear. “What do you need, Nicky?”

Nicky swallowed and stared up at him. “Hurt me.”

Joe looked pained. “Nicky—”

Feeling jilted, Nicky sat up with a huff. “You asked me what I wanted, and I told you.” 

“Yes, but—”

“I am not asking for anything we have not done before. Or was it so distasteful to you that you’ve forgotten?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. Nicky, you’re—” He broke off and tried again. “I’m not sure we’re in the right state of mind for something like that at the moment.” 

“Do you want me to make it easier for you?” He surged up and scratched down Joe’s back, bit his neck hard enough to break skin.

“Fuck,” Joe hissed, and shoved him back.

Nicky felt monstrous. “Hurt me.” 

Joe’s eyes glinted and he shook his head. “We promised each other. After the last time I killed you on the Temple Mount, and you woke again—we said we were done harming each other. Or have _you_ forgotten?”

All the fight went out of Nicky. He held out a hand, and Joe let himself be drawn in.

Nicky brought their foreheads together. “You could never _harm_ me, beloved.”

“No,” Joe said, voice thick. “Because I won’t indulge you in your self-destructive appetites.” 

Nicky let out a choked sob. He wanted so badly to bury his face in Joe’s neck and cry, but he felt like if he did, he would cave in on himself so absolutely that he’d never claw his way out of the rubble.

“Oh, Nico,” Joe sighed, and Nicky knew then that Joe saw all the things he'd tried to bury under the day’s petty fights. He realized his misguided efforts to keep Joe at arm’s length were pointless—they could never hide from each other. 

Then they were kissing, desperate and messy. Joe had Nicky beneath him, one of his hands pinning Nicky’s wrist to the bed, the other gripping his cock.

“Will you have me?” Nicky asked when they pulled apart.

“Always,” Joe said. One-handed, he fumbled for the lube in their nightstand. He wet his cock and fingers and smeared slick around Nicky’s hole, but when he tried to press a finger in, Nicky clenched up and shook his head.

“Just your cock,” he breathed.

“Nicky…” 

“I know it will hurt. I don’t care. I want to feel every inch of you, please, Yusuf.” Nicky knew he sounded desperate, but what did it matter? He was. 

Joe groaned, defeated, and pushed in. Nicky sobbed with the agony of it, but he wound his legs around Joe’s waist to keep him from pulling away.

“Joe,” he panted.

“Fuck, Nicky, so _fucking_ tight.” Joe was shaking with the effort of holding still. Nicky’s wrist would be bruised, if only for a few minutes.

“Move, move, move,” he urged. He howled when Joe pulled out and thrust back in. The pain was excruciating, exquisite. 

“Fucking hell. Feels like I’m going to split you in half.” Joe splayed his hand over Nicky’s stomach. 

“You are, a-ah, Yusuf, fuck.”

“You said you wanted every inch. You have it. Is it everything you wanted?”

“Everything I _needed_.”

“Nico, Nico.” Joe’s thrusts were merciless, and he gripped Nicky’s wrist so hard Nicky wondered if it would break—and if he would notice. Every part of him already felt broken, cracked open by Joe. 

“Whatever you need,” Joe told him, eyes wild. “Then, now, always—”

With that promise, Nicky came. It was as though he disconnected from his body while his orgasm tore through him—physically, it was all hot, raw sensation, but his mind was a void. 

His spend covered their chests and his body and soul snapped back together—like he’d died and resurrected. 

Nicky was sobbing. “I love you,” he choked out. “Yusuf. I am nothing if I am not yours.” 

Joe swore and came inside Nicky.

———

There was only the sound of their winded breathing, and then there was not even that. They laid side by side in the silence, pressed together every inch from forehead to toe. 

The heavy grief that had weighed on Nicky was not gone, but it had lessened. He no longer felt consumed. He could carry it. 

“Thank you,” he murmured, cupping Joe’s cheek with his hand. The bruise on his wrist was no more, but the phantom feeling remained. 

Joe turned his head to kiss Nicky’s palm. “Of course my love.” His smile turned sly. “I didn’t want to fight about dinner.”

Nicky narrowed his eyes. “I was thinking Orange Garden,” he said innocently.

Joe laughed and smacked his ass. Nicky made a pleased noise, and thought perhaps dinner would wait. 


End file.
